Comfort in Dreams

Last week, I hit rock bottom.  I was living life like a water fountain, always ready to spurt out tears at the slightest frustration. At work, I was walking around with red, swollen eyes and people who don't know, think I have an eye infection.  I am lucky to have a friend at work who seems tireless in talking me through my pain.

I have had several dreams of my late mother. In one dream, she was in a house and we spoke at the dining table. She said something like "hati sejuk"..I cannot recall the exact words now but the message I got was that she was happy with me and how I was bringing up the kids. Although I've never had much regard for the truth of dreams, in desperate times like this when my sanity hangs on a thread, I will take these message from dreams as a source of comfort.

Not a day goes by that I do not say a doa' for her.  In fact, she is in my doa after every salat.

There was one dream in which we hugged - and I kissed her, something we rarely did because she was always so critical of me. She would only hug my son.  

I think I am ready to start her autobiography. I better do so before all the people who used to know her also leave the earth. Just heard about another relative who passed away. I know my mom and Pak Ngah Dibong were close. I just hope they are all in a nice place now.

I spoke to my father recently. He was, as always, philosophical.  His attempt to comfort me was to tell me that everything happens for the best, according to Allah's plan. We humans must realise that even something as apparently horrible as death is for the better.  Part of me understands that, but it does little to ease the pain.

I guess, I am slowly climbing out of the pit of sorrow.

Pain in the Heart

My heart aches. I am sad. I miss my mother, who died under my watch. I don't know when I will stop blaming myself. My faith weakens when it comes to my mom's passing. I should accept this as the will of God. But my mind plays what-if games, which I know is wrong.

I miss my mother. I wish she was back with me. I would do things differently. Perhaps this is the most common feeling on earth. To appreciate someone only after they are gone. Losing my mother is the most painful feeling in my life. Losing my marriage seems to pale in comparison. 

I find it hard to laugh, today.

Is there a way to bring her back? 

My heart aches because I know the answer.

How do I heal this pain? 

Possible ideas for healing the pain:

1. Write an autobiography about her.

2. Write a book and dedicate it to her.

3. Plant a tree in her name.

4. Make a list of 10 things she loved the most and do them.

5. Take prozac.

6. Renovate her house.

7. Watch x-files.

8.Sleep.

9.Read Quraan

10. Zikir

Amazing how I can offer myself solutions. Now the hard part is taking up on my own advice.

I think I will start with option number 8.

As Good as It Gets

Today was a particularly good day. I woke up and practically sprang out of bed, eager to get to the office. No dragging my feet to start the day like usual days.  It didn't even matter that I slept really late the night before.

So why this sudden boost of motivation? YOU...no, not you the reader...YOU, the unknowing subject of my admiration, fascination and I guess, infatuation.  You are going to be in the office today, just for today and the prospect of seeing you, being in your vicinity and getting a chance to talk to you again makes me really upbeat about going to work.

It feels odd being infatuated with someone at my late age but I guess it goes to show that the heart fails to recognize age as a boundary when it comes to such matters.  You like who you like and if you are true to yourself, like I am, you would acknowledge what you feel.  And I do acknowledge it. The only difference between having a crush on someone at 14 and at 40 years of age is that when you're younger you'd do stuff like send anonymous notes or get a friend to find out if the subject of your infatuation felt the same way about you.  Now when you're 40, you tend to be a bit more guarded as to what you would do about the crush.

So I was Ms. Subtle the whole time with him today. Got to the office and heard from a colleague that he was looking for me. My heart soared for a brief minute until reality slapped me on the face that he was looking for me not for the reasons I would have hoped. I had something that belonged to him - a package - that he was eager to get hold off.  Never mind, still he WAS looking for me and that's a nice feeling.

Then, as I engaged in a coaching moment with one of my colleagues, my cell rang and his picture popped up. (Yes, I have a photo of him on my blackberry so that his picture appears when he rings).  I answered as breezily as I could and again, nothing major, it was a call to confirm our official appointment. My hint for him to come by for a chat went unnoticed. I guess I was too subtle.  He did ask me what my plans for lunch were and at that point I forgot to be subtle and answered, "having lunch with you, I hope".....Yes, it seemed he agreed (score!) but quickly interjected that he would get a few other people to come, sending me a loud and clear message that whatever I felt was my feelings alone and not reciprocated in any way.  He is just not into me, for good reason too. He is a true gentleman who would not stoop to any actions that could be misconstrued.  It was like trying to seduce an angel! Did I say seduce? I didn't mean that.

A few hours into being in the office and I still hadn't seen the object of my affection. Though my natural instinct was to go swing by where I knew he was sitting to catch a glimpse of him, my guarded-ness kept me glued to my seat and even disciplined enough to go attend meetings.  It was not until 11 am that he swung by and found me in the office.  He offered a new year greeting and a handshake (what? even other colleagues who had fewer dealings with me offered me a hug) and added salt to injury by not even looking at me when he took my hand.  Instead, his eyes was on the other person in my room as he had an interchange with him.  So insulted was I that I almost concluded him to be gay since he would rather make eye contact with a man than me...(grummph).  But as if realising this faux pas, he hastily made a comment about how nice I looked to which I gracefully said thank you.  

Then, the encounter was over but I knew we had lunch ahead of us.  Yes, lunch with him and 4 other guys.  I sat to him next to lunch and noticed he was a bit quieter than usual but his personality prevented him from being anything but a charming host.  After lunch, I caught a few minutes of private time which I relished every second though all the while, he was a safe distance from me.  No close encounters of the kind that I would have liked.

So, then it came time to say goodbye. For practical reasons (helping him with a package etc) I walked with him to the car.  As the seconds ticked and we reached the point of departure, I felt the normal sinking feeling of knowing the moment was going to end.  Then, fate through me a life-line...he had forgotten to do something and I was happily volunteered my time to go do it with him. How I wish 'it' was something more exciting than going to the bank.  As we completed this innocent errand that presented no opportunity for intimate conversations I had the extraordinary pleasure of being thanked for helping him.  It wasn't a big help that I offered. Hey, I was just happy to be with him for the extra 20 minutes.  

I guess, as far as my 'being' with him, this is as good as it is going to get.

Footnote: I think you know and thank you for keeping me in my rightful place.

Have Son Will Travel

Traveling is not something I relish. I get stressed out when faced with the many uncertainties encountered by a traveler. I worry about losing luggage, about losing my purse, about forgetting something on the plane, about misplacing my passports....just so many unknowns to deal with when one travels. On top of all that, I have a fear of flying.

Recently, I travelled more than 8000 km, for business, both official business and personal business. The trip was wrought with challenges as I handled 2 toddlers on a long haul flight and crossed time zones that turned threw my bio-rhythms out of whack.  I also had to do something that was so emotionally draining, that I started wishing FL was by my side to lend a strong shoulder.

We flew Singapore Airlines and despite the spacious seats, the food was just not what I would have liked. Yes, that's me...when push comes to shove, it's the quality of the food that is of utmost, critical importance. Anyway, Adam seemed to enjoy being in a plane. My small regret is that I didn't have the tenacity to get him into the cockpit. Vow to do it next time. After all, one can never underestimate how such a seemingly insignificant exposure could affect a child's future career.  

As I think back about the trip, I guess it would be unfair, what more inaccurate, to say it was all doom and gloom. The top 10 highlights of the recent sojourn were:

- Saw my 72 year old father, he is my only parent alive as of July 2008

- Saw my sister, brother and new niece, born September 2008

- Met highschool friends, especially Sri, Salmi and Epit who are so close to my heart now after all they have done for me in my time of distress

-Adam has made friends with Salmi's kids who are of the same genre

-Got to drive my X3 

-Found time to get over FLantai, or so I thought

-Attended IPTC, met Halim, saw Khazimad, re-acquainted with Kak Ros and other PCSB gals

-Adam picked up loads of BM vocabulary

-Adam learned to make it through the nite dry

-Introduced to Mr. O, unlikely to be Mr. Right but a nice guy

-Picked up photos that are precious to me

-Bought tons of books for kid's assimilation to Malaysian school 

-Bought the body hugging shirts to wear with some of my clothes here

-Ate durian until I could eat no more....

So I out-did myself and came up with more than 10. I guess the trip was not as bad.

Gong Xi Fa Cai

As the second day of the lunar year unfolds, I reflect on how good my life is....under the circumstances. Work has slowed down tremendously, as if taking its cue from the US economy, and I find my days in the office rather empty. No more chasing my tail getting things done. No more being chased by my boss who wants me to get things done. No more chasing deadlines that were unrealistic to begin with.  Though I don't know how long this enjoyable slump will last, I am determined to make the best of it.

The team has changed. The person who made going to work each day a secret pleasure no longer works in the same office. I find his absence rather painful. Although there was nothing going on between us, seeing him each day at work was a constant source of comfort. Like seeing the sun shine in the morning. A friendly smile, a light-hearted joke cracked in the car as we car-pooled to work was like an ointment on my aching heart. Things didn't seem so bad when you had a nice friend to share ideas, thoughts and jokes with on the way to work, later at work, and at the end of the day, on the way home from work.  I guess I sound like I have a crush on this person. The truth is the feelings go beyond a simple crush, but my principles prevent me from acting on such feelings.

Today he called. No, nothing important. Needed a favor to pick up some package, which I happily and most readily obliged. As I tracked to the mail room, there were hurdles as construction and building renovation prevented me from taking the shortest path there. But as I was walking around the building, I could hear my heart say, I'd do anything for this guy. Trek mountains if I had to. Such is the motivation that only love can trigger.

I guess he inspires me...though you may never will even know I still secretly hope that you will feel the love and admiration that I keep safely buttoned up inside.