So why this sudden boost of motivation? YOU...no, not you the reader...YOU, the unknowing subject of my admiration, fascination and I guess, infatuation. You are going to be in the office today, just for today and the prospect of seeing you, being in your vicinity and getting a chance to talk to you again makes me really upbeat about going to work.
It feels odd being infatuated with someone at my late age but I guess it goes to show that the heart fails to recognize age as a boundary when it comes to such matters. You like who you like and if you are true to yourself, like I am, you would acknowledge what you feel. And I do acknowledge it. The only difference between having a crush on someone at 14 and at 40 years of age is that when you're younger you'd do stuff like send anonymous notes or get a friend to find out if the subject of your infatuation felt the same way about you. Now when you're 40, you tend to be a bit more guarded as to what you would do about the crush.
So I was Ms. Subtle the whole time with him today. Got to the office and heard from a colleague that he was looking for me. My heart soared for a brief minute until reality slapped me on the face that he was looking for me not for the reasons I would have hoped. I had something that belonged to him - a package - that he was eager to get hold off. Never mind, still he WAS looking for me and that's a nice feeling.
Then, as I engaged in a coaching moment with one of my colleagues, my cell rang and his picture popped up. (Yes, I have a photo of him on my blackberry so that his picture appears when he rings). I answered as breezily as I could and again, nothing major, it was a call to confirm our official appointment. My hint for him to come by for a chat went unnoticed. I guess I was too subtle. He did ask me what my plans for lunch were and at that point I forgot to be subtle and answered, "having lunch with you, I hope".....Yes, it seemed he agreed (score!) but quickly interjected that he would get a few other people to come, sending me a loud and clear message that whatever I felt was my feelings alone and not reciprocated in any way. He is just not into me, for good reason too. He is a true gentleman who would not stoop to any actions that could be misconstrued. It was like trying to seduce an angel! Did I say seduce? I didn't mean that.
A few hours into being in the office and I still hadn't seen the object of my affection. Though my natural instinct was to go swing by where I knew he was sitting to catch a glimpse of him, my guarded-ness kept me glued to my seat and even disciplined enough to go attend meetings. It was not until 11 am that he swung by and found me in the office. He offered a new year greeting and a handshake (what? even other colleagues who had fewer dealings with me offered me a hug) and added salt to injury by not even looking at me when he took my hand. Instead, his eyes was on the other person in my room as he had an interchange with him. So insulted was I that I almost concluded him to be gay since he would rather make eye contact with a man than me...(grummph). But as if realising this faux pas, he hastily made a comment about how nice I looked to which I gracefully said thank you.
Then, the encounter was over but I knew we had lunch ahead of us. Yes, lunch with him and 4 other guys. I sat to him next to lunch and noticed he was a bit quieter than usual but his personality prevented him from being anything but a charming host. After lunch, I caught a few minutes of private time which I relished every second though all the while, he was a safe distance from me. No close encounters of the kind that I would have liked.
So, then it came time to say goodbye. For practical reasons (helping him with a package etc) I walked with him to the car. As the seconds ticked and we reached the point of departure, I felt the normal sinking feeling of knowing the moment was going to end. Then, fate through me a life-line...he had forgotten to do something and I was happily volunteered my time to go do it with him. How I wish 'it' was something more exciting than going to the bank. As we completed this innocent errand that presented no opportunity for intimate conversations I had the extraordinary pleasure of being thanked for helping him. It wasn't a big help that I offered. Hey, I was just happy to be with him for the extra 20 minutes.
I guess, as far as my 'being' with him, this is as good as it is going to get.
Footnote: I think you know and thank you for keeping me in my rightful place.
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